Looking In The Mirror
I have been thinking about body issues lately. More so about the perspective I have about my body. I have been rather hard on myself lately as I have not been running.
I was allowing for the fat girl to return. Someone who I had thought I had let go of nearly three years ago. You can read this post here. I had to put away some clothes that were no longer fit me. Clothes that I had worn since I lost weight. This began my downward spiral in doubting all that I had done. The old fear I had that I would wake up and find myself back at my old weight haunted me.
The thoughts of am I good enough? Did I deserve to be healthy began to pop up in my mind.
So I turned to food as I have always done to find comfort. This time though, it was different. I had no real desire to eat in the way I once done. While I did not always make the best choices, I was making better choices than I would of three years ago. That is where the victory lies.
Maintaining weight is just as hard as losing it. Maintaining for over two years is no easy feat. During the initial weightloss, a lot of attention was given to me. Once people began to notice I was often pulled aside and told to keep going or way to go! It was weird and awkward but thrilling at the same time.
Then it stops because it would be weird and awkward to continually congratulate someone on their past accomplishment.
What I have realized is that my body has finally settled into itself. After the initial weight loss, which was also rather quick, I was simply thin. My mom feared I was too thin. So did a good friend of mine.
At the time,it just felt good to fit into size 4 jeans. It really did. The attention that came along with did too. But being thin isn’t this magical key to the life. I did not become a millionaire or instantly fall in love and get married. Those things are not a “reward” for losing weight.
My body was still changing. I had more muscle to gain. My body was still adjusting to the drastic changes.
It has been three years after I began this journey. Three years of change and adjustment. Both physical and emotional. These days I am more comfortable with myself. I have to remind myself that a my worth is not my jean size.
That as I get older my body will continue to change. As I age what matters is that I take care of this temporary vessel. So that it may carry me to the end of my days for a life well lived.
So look in the mirror and stop being so hard on yourself. Make the changes you need to become healthy. But meet yourself where you are today, right now. And love the person staring back at you.
How have you dealt with your body changing on your journey?